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Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Bizarre Adventure Of Atom-Boy And Uncle-Man (Part 1)

Willem the Dutch guy –the distant relative of Dutch Lady and the Flying Dutch Man– was a multi-talented cinematographer.  He could be anything: from director to post-production  editor.  But since the day of Genesis, God was always fair that Willem  had everything he needed but the look of a leading actor. As a result, whenever he secured a chance to participate in a movie, he was limited only to some minor roles such as a stink beggar, disfigured cripple or dying man. But if it was required, he could even play a dying-disfigured-crippled-stink  beggar –all characters combined– at once. That was how versatile he was.

As lousy as all his roles might seem, Willem understood perfectly well that what he did up until now was just a passing fade. He kept the faith that he’d be somebody great one day. History had taught him that all the great people he knew went through the hardest way before they became all the great people he knew. With that kind of incomplete thought in  mind –he didn't seem to notice the fact that many of them actually died in the process and became all the great people he’d never know– Willem patiently waited for the right time. He knew he’d be a movie director. That was what he wanted to be and he was pretty sure about this. Deep down inside his heart, he always had this strange feeling that he’d know his chance when he saw one. And it was coming soon.

True enough, the  chance did come when Willem became the last tenant to join 44A Lorong Ahmad Marzoeki lodging house. After observing how they interacted with each other, he was intrigued by the raw talents of his fellow housemates, most notably Robin.
Once an aspiring artist and now an expiring artist, Robin was an IT officer who spent his own sweet time watching naked show in order to stop his brain from daydreaming about the naked show. Yeah, he loved to watch Animal Planet, the  show where every one of them was naked. That’s why he knew those little facts like the Bonobos were very sexually active  –and they went as far as doing penis fencing– when the other housemates didn’t even have the slightest idea of what the Bonobos were.

As an IT dude, Robin was supposed to be a very technical and  introvert guy. It'd been a common understanding that the more a person knew about IT, the more geeky this person would become. But of all the courses like Cisco course and Microsoft course, who in the right mind would guess that  the one and only course that fascinated Robin was sexual intercourse? Instead of being timid, Robin was as perverted as Mark of the Wolves.

By any chance, if someone was being compared to Mark, he must be either really bad or very special. Al Pone –the genius among all housemates who befriended Mark since college and the pioneer of Punkzoology, a science discipline that studied Mark Punk– had stated in his book, a tribute to Charles Darwin called The Origin of Mark by Means of Supernatural Selection, that Mark could be defined as: a degenerate bipedal creature of mammals who had two visible nipples and a beastly mindset of the flirty filthy wolf that, surprisingly, could finish college and became a degree holder, and whose evolution was the most unpredictable because, if one would like to trace back, it went like this: Mark  -- Missing Link -- pig! With such a vast difference between the original creature (pig) and what it had become (Mark), only God knew what the Missing Link species was.

Based on that theory and an old saying, “a pervert is not perverted unless he has something perverted and what’s more, what else and whatever,” Robin sure had a quality of more than a regular IT guy. And it didn’t take a long time to see what he could do. He sang, he danced whenever the music played and the most important thing of all, he wrote. This Willem discovered when he read a short story with an eye-catching title on the notice board:

The Unbelievably Brief Story of Uncle-Man (by Yours Truly
Uncle-Man was a super spy who looked like an uncle.The  end.

While many considered this story as a nonsense that even failed to manifest as a nonsense, Willem couldn’t help laughing hysterically. The story was really unbelievably brief! Only a mad man with a twisted sense of humor would write stuff like this. And the man, with a big proud and happy smile on his face, happened to stand behind him.

“So you like my story?” asked Robin.

And that was how Willem learnt about the existence of his future scriptwriter. But before they started collaborating, there was one important thing that Willem needed to confirm: the notorious habit of his new partner in crime.

“Legend has it that you like to watch porn. Is it true?” asked Willem.

“Yeah, it’s because they’re naked, too. Just like those in the Animal Planet.”

Willem laughed. That was really one funny naked truth. It tickled. 
It was hard to tell whether they both were autistic or artistic, but it seemed like Willem and Robin were in  their own world, discussing an absorbing discussion that only they themselves knew what they were talking about. Here were two young men, bringing out the best of each other. Sometimes they  laughed. Sometimes they argued. Sometimes they scribbled something. Sometimes they secretly pointed finger to everybody and whispered silently, as  if they were gossiping. And this easily misunderstood conduct sure brought them harm, especially after Robin –of all the fingers he could use– used his middle finger and pointed it to Mark. For good measure, he even inserted his thumb between his point and middle finger, and then waved it gracefully in front of Mark, who happened to notice that they had been talking behind his back for quite some time.  

Thanks to Robin, the days of their lives were immediately numbered. If no adequate information was provided, there’d be one bloody massacre for sure. Judging from how angry Mark was, Robin might die with no grave for not even his own mother would recognize his dead body once Mark was finished slaughtering him. In his anger, Mark swore to all unholy entities with all the swearing words he knew that he wouldn’t leave anything identifiable, not even Robin’s big black hairy mole on his butt. And poor Willem, because he chose a wrong friend to discuss with, he’d now die the same horrible and painful death. Mark was not very forgiving, particularly not after he had been finger-signaled in both Western and Eastern styles for all the wrong reasons.

The hurricane blew and the thunder roared when Mark delivered the earth-shattering punch toward his victims. Mark looked vicious. His mouth was open and the tongue inside was jiggling like mad. As if that was not scary enough, he somehow managed to get his saliva drooling from the corner of his lips so he looked crazy and retarded. This expression of his might be a reason why people used to call him Mark of the Wolves, but come to think of it, he looked more like a rabid dog than a wolf.  

“That’s  it!” Willem shouted in a happy tone when he saw Mark’s mouth in a kissing shape as he tried his best to howl. Surprised, the charging Mark was suddenly immobilized. Willem then came forward to squeeze Mark’s cheek and while pointing to the round, octopussy shaped mouth, he said, “this is what we want!”

Feeling flattered, Mark couldn’t help stating his mind with his remarkable unnecessary remark. “My kiss? Is that what you want?”

And for that he was slapped.

“This kind of anger! We can start with this, Robin!”

“Hmm, I think I see your point.”

“Excuse me! I’m supposed to be the one who’s angry here. May I know what’s going on?” said Mark, interrupting the conversation.

And as they explained, Mark’s eyes get bigger and bigger. He was flabbergasted by the idea. Gone was his anger. With eyes that sparked the innocence and sincerity of Mama’s happy little  boy, he asked whether he could be the good guy or not, a question to which Robin replied, “do you look like a good guy?”

Now that was one easy question with an inevitable answer, but Mark begged to differ. He needed time to think carefully and thoroughly. But instead of doing some research and getting himself involved in some difficult mathematics calculation like all geniuses were when they searched for an answer, Mark simply scratched his ass for inspiration. However, even after his ass bled, the truth remained the same. No good man could say he was a good man for a good man who said so was actually not a good man. Mark never said that to himself, but then again, nobody ever said the same thing to him, too. In the end, as honest as always, Mark could only shake his head.

Robin smiled. “There you go.”

Truth hurt, and Mark was so upset he now refused to take part in their upcoming movie. Now he understood why his mother could never look him in the eye every time she said he was a good boy. Suddenly he felt that he was simply not good and if he was ever good, then he was good for nothing.  

Mark was brooding. This was bad because Willem wanted him badly in the scene that he had mentally pictured. Yeah, after witnessing Mark’s anger display, Willem had visualized an exotic, wild and sexy scene where Mark was shaking, rattling androlling his tongue while the saliva was dripping and splashing around. Imagine a scene in slow motion with the duration of 45 seconds where everybody, from kids to adults, could watch a wet tongue waggling and wiggling like nobody’s business. It was a musthave! It was an award winning scene!

Therefore Willem wouldn’t take no for an answer. He calmly approached Markand cheered him up. He told him an inspiring story to recharge his spirit. So there was this dog called Rin Tin Tin who became very famous and there was that dog called Lassie who also became very famous.

“You are Mark of the Wolves! You howl when those dogs could only bark. Don’t tell me, you, the superior creature, lose to those quadruped wolf-like animals.You are better than that. You are homo homini lupus –yeah, whatever that means– so act like one!”

Mark understood only less than half of the speech –not because he was stupid, but because he was simply not smart enough– but it didn’t matter anymore. What he really needed right now was just a support from a friend. When Willem patted his shoulder like a good friend should be, Mark had regained his confidence. He thanked Willem and confirmed his participation in their movie, regardless the fact that he couldn’t play the good guy… 
The unused artwork of Pheng iu
Image credit: Zhou Xiong Zhen

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