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Thursday, April 6, 2017

The Bizarre Adventure Of Atom-Boy And Uncle-Man (Part 2)

With Mark on board, it was easy to enlist another housemates. It was either they joined them voluntarily or they gotta suffer the consequence. Take Porcupine Djung as an example. He learnt it the hard way and finally accepted the offer when he was told by the very cool Mark that the last person who dared to say no to him died the next day. As if that was not intimidating enough, Mark even warned him if there was a slightest chance that person didn’t die the next day, then he must be dead the day after tomorrow. And the silly Porcupine Djung, already scared the shit out of himself, didn’t dare to ask furthermore what will happen if the person didn’t die the day after tomorrow. Little did he know that person actually lived happily ever after because he didn’t die the day after tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Robin was developing some basic ideas that he’d been discussing with Willem. He managed to deliver the script before the deadline because there was no deadline. According to his script, Tom Lee Jones was the super strong Atom-Boy, Enrico was the enigmatic Uncle-Man and Mark was Trademark, the perverted evil man. These were the three main characters. There were many more, although some of them were just cameos.

When the shooting was commenced, it was an all-new experience to everybody. Willem, always a natural leader when it came to movie making, was doing well in directing, but none of the others was an actor or actress. They were so nervous they kept giggling from time to time. This infuriated Willem, never failed to trigger him shouting, “no teeth are allowed! No teeth are allowed!”

Robin, who sat behind the camera, certainly wouldn’t miss his chance to take part in this riot. When this happened, he wouldn’t hesitate to show some moral support to the director. Polishing Willem’s original line into something that was typically his, he would yell to the stars, “no tits are allowed! No tits are allowed!”

And after three months of “no tits are allowed,” they finally finished the movie. It took another two months to do the post-production job, but after that, it was time to attend the premiere!

On the very night, the living room was very much alive. It was a chatty night, to be precise, with everybody busy chatting and ignoring the director’s speech. Mark, claimed that he was drunk because he drank too much Cock (the abbreviation of Cock-Up Cola, a carbonated non-alcoholic soft drink), was asking where he could he put his handprints while his two hands were facing Wah Wah’s chest, waiting for an approval.

But it wasn't Wah Wah if she couldn’t disapprove Mark’s naughty request. Always a smart girl, Wah Wah rejected the idea politely by saying, “but Mark, my parents don’t raise me so that one day you can put your hands on my chest.”

“Strange, then,” answered Mark, trying his best not to look stupid, “because it seems like my parents raise me so I can put my hands on your chest.”

“If that’s the case, I’ll call your mother to confirm,” said Wah Wah calmly.

She picked up her phone and Mark, now looked stupid without even trying to look stupid, panicked and was begging on his bended knees, asking Wah Wah to show some mercy.

“Gotcha! Stupid Mark, I don’t even know your mother’s phone number.”

And those who watched the battle of wits were laughing.

After that humorous prelude, the silence befell. Everybody paid attention to the screen. The Bizarre Adventure of Atom-Boy and Uncle-Man was now showing for the first time…
There was a time when superheroes walked among us. They walked, sometimes they ran if they were in hurry, simply because they couldn’t fly. But still, although they all lacked of gravity-defying power, it was so much fun to have just a glimpse of them. It somehow gave us hope, because we all knew it took a lot of courage to don underwear in front of their colorful skin-tight costumes. One with an analytical mindset could only wonder how difficult it would be if the so-called superhero needed to pee in such a troublesome outfit like that.

Apparently, being a superhero was a tough job. Not only because they didn’t make money for their good deeds or sometimes people would forget to say thanks, but also, with a daily problem of peeing, it was almost confirmed that sooner or later they would suffer from kidney problems.

Despite of the major health issues (kidney failure sure would cause financial difficulties), they still became superheroes, no matter what the risk was. It didn’t mean that they didn’t care for themselves, but there was this noble reason that drove them to fight till finish or die trying: they believe that whatever they did, they did it for a greater good.

Dragon Djung was the first superhero to appear. According to A Big Book of the Superheroes’ Secret Origins by the alleged Bookmark, Djung was an unknown –as opposed to renown– martial artist who starred in a low-budget movie called Exit the Dragon. Djung was labeled by a local gossip tabloid as Short Dragon because that was how he looked like. Alas, he was also fat, not fit. His big and bloated tummy was absolutely no six-pack. Family pack was more like it. Last but not least, as if to complete his series of unfortunate events, he was sued by a famous video game company for unwittingly naming his fighting style Nin Ten Do. 

Far from the superheroes heyday where those daredevil superheroes would run publicly in their tight and bright costumes with devil-may-care attitude regardless something taboo was obviously protruding, Dragon Djung was more of a vigilant type, which meant he ambushed and ran. And run he sure would, especially when the enemy carried a knife or dagger. He was also quite primitive in the sense of fashion, which meant he liked to be seen topless so he could show his flabby chest and obese belly. But then again, it suited the era. It was a simpler time and so simple it was that the enemy with the tattoo of a scorpion on his biceps was considered as the fiercest and if he smoked, it was absolutely confirmed that he represented evil.

After what the history chronicler called 'the stone age of superheroes' ended, came the golden age. It was in this period when the term “superheroes” was coined to those super young men. Unlike Dragon Djung, they really had a super-ability or two. 

Shit-Man was the great example of the tame-n-lame superheroes of this era. As an environmental hero, Shit-Man was gifted with super-powers such as looking at other people’s shit without fear, holding shit without feeling dirty and eating shit without hesitation. Physically, his stomach was as strong as septic tank so it was okay for him to eat shit. To emphasize his glorious features, he even wore a super close-fitting costume called T-Shit with a shit crest on his chest!

His greatest achievement had been told many times since then. So there was this person who shitted on the river and there was that boy who brushed his teeth by the side of the same river. The shit came out from that guy’s ass and flowed towards the boy. Never realized that the danger was approaching, the boy was about to take the water to rinse his mouth. Lucky for him, Shit Da Bao, the door-to-door perfume salesman, was somewhere nearby. He anticipated the disgusting incident by acting more disgusting than the disgusting incident itself: he shitted the costume out from his asshole and wore it straightaway. Soon after, it was Shit-Man to the rescue! He quickly jumped to the river and ate the shit. The boy saw what he did and then thanked the superhero for saving his life. Like all superheroes would, Shit-Man told him it was no big deal. 

Enchanted by the heroic action, the boy said he wanted to be like him one day.

And Shit-Man encouraged the boy by telling him to eat shit.

The poor little boy was discouraged instead. To eat vegetable was one thing, but to eat shit? That didn’t sound too promising. If he ate shit, what would he become? A lousy sidekick who called himself Shit-Boy? On the second thought, becoming a doctor or a lawyer seemed like a better idea.

Nevertheless, Shit-Man did become a headline. And his memorable quote was, “have you eaten shit today?”  

So that was one nostalgic moment of golden age. It was a nicer time. Things got darker after that. Seeing how these supers were so restricted by their so-called responsibilities when they actually could achieve more for themselves with their powers, some would think the idea 'with great power comes no responsibility' sounded much more entertaining. This, in time, turned them into the super-villains.

And so began the silver age. Porcupine Djung was the first to commit crimes. He was the Fast, the fastest porcupine alive. That was the coolest title a man in the porcupine costume could get and he could consider himself lucky. As a comparison, once there was a man who was accidentally doused by carrot juice right in his eyes when a blender machine exploded, so he got himself an excessive dosage of vitamin A and acquired an extraordinary eyesight. With his super-vision, he then donned a carrot-like costume and started calling himself Carrot-Man. His first good deed was to tell an old woman in the bus stop that bus number 67 was coming from afar. But for his good deed, did people call him the greatest prophet alive? No, they simply called him crazy and had him locked up in a mental hospital at once.

But the Fast, the fastest porcupine alive… the name rang true! He ran faster than the Olympic gold medal sprinter on steroids, so he surely faced no difficulty when he had to get away from cops. Furthermore, he could leave a trail of thorns by shedding the spikes on his back in order to stop them from chasing him with cars. He seemed unstoppable, until Enrico –a young police officer who liked to slack and went to smoke during working hours– happened to watch the footage of the Fast on and on in order to act busy when what he really wanted was just to kill time. After rewinding the tape for who knew how many times, he suddenly realized that they actually still could see the Fast when he ran. 

“That’s it! That’s the key. It’s not like, now you see him, now you don’t. He’s not that fast,” said Enrico when he called up a meeting. “We still can see him, we only can’t catch him. The point is, he’s not faster than a speeding bullet.”

And Porcupine Djung was crippled with a single shot, pleaded guilty and ended up in jail for nobody cared how long. As for Enrico, it was because of his brilliant deduction the police force managed to capture the Fast. He was about to be promoted, but he resigned instead and started his career as Uncle-Man, the super spy who looked like an uncle, a master of acting blur and eavesdropping. On his debut as a private investigator, Uncle-Man targeted the biggest bastard of them all, Trademark.

Trademark, formerly known as Mark, was a rapper-cum-rapist. So there was this girl who didn’t want to listen to him rapping, so he raped her instead. But shame on him, he found out that he couldn’t rape a girl for he was impotent. That was when he realized that with great desire, it was important no to be impotent. But it was too late. The damage was done. He was so humiliated he got no choice except to humiliate the one who humiliated him. From that moment onward, he became Trademark, the impotent bastard who left a handprint on the girl’s right breast as an important trademark that this girl had been manhandled by a man with a manhood problem. And every girl who fell victim to this abuse suffered from a terrible trauma because they felt the complete humiliation of being raped by a man who couldn’t even achieve full erection, let alone performed raping.

And Uncle-Man was close to his target, so close he was he himself became the target because Trademark had realized that he had been followed by Uncle-Man for quite some time. The two were having a showdown and Uncle-Man, always looked more like an uncle than a fighter, was helpless and being cornered in no time. The only reason why he could dodge Trademark’s trademark of right boob squeezing was simply because he had no boobs. Missed not by an inch but by a measurement of D cup size, Trademark determined to grab Uncle-Man’s fat British arse instead this time. He confronted Uncle-Man again, but just when Trademark was about to imprint his trademark, Kung Fu, the martial artist superhero, came to Uncle-Man’s rescue.

Kung Fu jumped into the fighting scene. When he was airborne, he executed each and every kicking style that was ever created under the sun. The result was damn frightening. Not only the kicks were randomly flashing here and there, they were also swirling like a tornado from time to time. So dangerous his kicks were he managed to drive Trademark away from Uncle-Man…

Or so it seemed. It wasn’t Trademark if he let Uncle-Man go easily. He acted as if he was scared and about to run for his life, but at last minute, he grinned and grabbed Uncle-Man’s right butt as strong as possible, covering Uncle-Man’s blue birthmark by putting his handprint on the top of it! 

Always a perverted perfectionist with a classy taste when it came to scandalizing an ill-fated ass in a way that the owner would never imagine, Trademark also engraved a permanent inscription inside his handprint, stating clearly that this butt had been, “molested by Trademark, your trusted partner in molesting.” And as a good closure, he also left a lifetime warranty card, stating that a splendid time was guaranteed for all.

The most unpredictable and uncivilized happening happened too fast. There was no way Kung Fu could prevent that. By the time he kicked his way in, Uncle-Man’s ass had been screwed big time and Trademark, knowing that he couldn’t escape, had prepared himself for the worst. He laughed when the first kick landed on his body and he still laughed when the last kick sent him flying in the air.

Trademark fell down. Every single bone in his body was crushed. Even his teeth were reduced into calcium powder when he tried to smile. The super-villain was finally defeated. But did Kung Fu really win? No, although he beat the snot out of Trademark, it didn’t change the fact that he failed to save Uncle-Man. In the end, it was Trademark who had the last laugh… 

The unused artwork of Pheng iu
Image credit: Zhou Xiong Zhen

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