The Bizarre Adventure Of Atom-Boy And Uncle-Man (Part 4)

It was one lustful and love-consuming wedding night. She unbuttoned me, so I undressed her. She kissed me here, so I touched her there. She spat on my thing, so I sneezed on her stuff. Gross and unhygienic it might seem it made people fail to see how intense it was. So intimate it was the intimacy was intimidating. With a lot of ooh and aah, love couldn’t go wrong.

Or so I thought, before she grabbed my ass.

There was always something there, something as visible as Braille that one could read it simply by feeling it. And I cringed the moment her fingers slithered wildly, clearly following the embossed curves curiously. After that, she stopped and became expressionless. She was busy love-biting me before, so there she was, on the top of my plain and hairless chest, with her eyes stared blankly and lower jaw dropped whilst her tongue stuck motionless on my right nipple. When I opened my eyes, suddenly I didn’t find her attractive anymore. Ugly was more like it.

Just like a man who found it hard to accept that his wife wasn’t a virgin anymore, I could tell from her face that it was extremely difficult for her to digest the fact that her husband’s ass had been deflowered, worse still, by a man. So that was it. With the cryptic words, “too sexy for me to handle,” she excused herself to restroom, escaped from the window and had never been seen since then.

My marriage life ended on my very wedding night. It wasn’t till death do us part. It was… till ass do us part. And I cried myself to sleep. I woke up with one thing in my mind: revenge!

***

Tom Lee Jones was drooling like a retard inside the MRT when the TV program was suddenly interrupted by breaking news. A newsreader was reporting the miserable and humiliating death of Vendy Fendi Lee, the owner of the famous Kung Pao Chicken and Assorted Szechuan Cuisine restaurant. He was found dead with his groin exposed, so the broadcasting people –learning from experience, this time– had to censor his crotch before they started broadcasting live from his deathbed. But the field reporter, a man with a keen reporting instinct who always kept in mind that public has a right to know, did a good job nonetheless. He managed to describe the brutal details such as it had not been circumcised.

The news did have an impact of a rude awakening call on Tom Lee Jones. No, he didn’t care that it wasn’t circumcised. That hardly bothered him. What mattered was he knew the fact that Vendy Fendi Lee was no ordinary man. Not only he was the best Kung Pao Chicken chef ever, he was also the alter ego of Kung Fu! 

Kung Fu was like the greatest superhero ever and now he was dead! So serious this incident was it drove Tom to start thinking again, effective immediately. With saliva still dripping from his mouth and frowning blurry eyes while he was subconsciously lost in thought, he looked scarier than ever, menacing enough to force the passenger next to him to dial the mental hospital and beg for help. 

At the current state, although Tom looked like a thinking imbecile, he actually thought clearly now. Within seconds, he can tell it was very much impossible that a reputable hero died a bottom-half-naked death like this. On the top of that, according to the reporter, nothing was stolen. This convincesdTom that it ought to be a murder case, and big chance that the murderer knew his secret identity!

Suddenly the enthusiasm was too much for Tom to bear. He was fainting, indirectly regaining his blackout sense. Then the thunder roared and Tom transformed. While that was happening, the MRT abruptly shook and was out of control. Just when the train was about to crash and everybody was whispering every prayer in every God’s name in every language –from the ancient Tetragrammaton spelling YHWH to the modern day yelling in English such as Christ!– a somewhat familiar man in one piece skin-tight garment appeared out of nowhere to save the day. At a glance, he did look like a young man with fetishism problem, but the witnesses soon realized that the mysterious character in spandex was Atom-Boy, the long lost superhero! He was back on the track, literally! And nobody did it better than him when it came to catching MRT. He saved the day, but he also called it a day at the same time. Judging from how people expressed their gratitude by cursing, accusing him for sabotaging the train and throwing things at him, it was pain and plain to see that he was still pretty much blacklisted. Ignoring the people he just rescued, Atom-Boy made a quick getaway to Kung Pao Chicken and Assorted Szechuan Cuisine restaurant… 

***

The arrival of Atom-Boy startled everybody. He was an unwanted person that happened to be in the wanted list, so the police wanted to arrest him for being unwanted. But Atom-Boy refused to be taken into custody, arguing with the officers that if they wanted to catch him, they would have to capture Uncle-Man first.

Apparently Uncle-Man had been there for nobody knew how long, so it was quite a surprise to Atom-Boy that they simply ignored Uncle-Man’s presence by letting the uncle-like superhero to be there while they immediately chased him like mad. Being treated unjustly, he had blurted out an unnecessary remark he never meant to say about his peer. It did render them speechless for a while, but the spokesperson from the police force came up with a good answer for this: Enrico was not in costume. He appeared as private investigator, a civilian, so there was no reason to seize him. 

Again, it was quite a surprise to Atom-Boy, because if his eyes weren’t lying, Enrico was as fully clothed as himself: a half-smoked cigarette in his mouth, a singlet that was too short to cover his eerily bloated belly button, khaki shorts that exposed his hairy-sturdy legs as a classic symbol of masculinity, a pair of dirty sandals, complete with fungus-smelled feet and some infectious skin disease in between his toes and, finally, an old newspaper that he tucked under his armpit… for God’s sake, Enrico was Uncle-Man! He was supposed to have an impression of a poor uncle that nobody would take notice, so that was how his bloody costume looked like!

Atom-Boy clenched his fists when the police officers insisted on catching him. Just when things were about to get ugly, Uncle-Man stepped in to negotiate a win-win solution. This he did by revealing the secret that Vendy Fendi Lee was indeed Kung Fu and this he did while picking his nose, as if it was no big deal. They looked him in the eye and he stared back at them, an eye for an eye. After that, he burped innocently like a middle-aged uncle should be. 

The very uncle-next-door persona he impersonated did work like a charm. There was this solitude for quite some time, because everybody was busy digesting what he just said. When Atom-Boy couldn’t help bursting into a wild action by pushing Uncle-Man to the wall and shouting angrily at him for selling Kung Fu out, all people in the room were convinced that what he said was true.

While everybody was in the state of shock, it seemed like there was no way Uncle-Man could dodge the upcoming, skull-shattering punch from the enraged Atom-Boy. Thanks to his big mouth for disclosing a private and confidential secret that should have been brought to the grave, he’d be bringing his big mouth to the grave. But Uncle-Man, like all the uncles in the world who were smarter than all the smart alecks in the world, had something up his sleeve. He pressed his MP3 player and…

“Take a look at me now, there’s just an empty space…” sang Phil Collins in such a melancholy tone.

And that caught Atom-Boy unprepared. Before he realized what happened, the illusion had already begun. One second he had a glimpse of Uncle-Man in his typical unclish face –as opposed to childish face– and next, all Atom-Boy could see was a brokenhearted widower, looked years older than he was supposed to be, with a painfully sad story in his eyes. So strong was the emotional effect it drove Atom-Boy to hallucinate that Uncle-Man was always raped by his fat ugly wife and all he could do in the night was to face the wall next to his bed and shed tears silently while his wife, slept beside him, was busy snoring like a pig. So exhausted he was every day he began to suffer from asthma. But even though he was an asthmatic person, he still had to wash all the dishes. And his fingers were all wrinkle and weak because of the detergent, therefore he couldn’t pee properly on the toilet bowl. Once he urinated on the toilet seat, his wife got angry and raped him again. Dissatisfied because of his short time performance, his wife left him for another man with no peeing and breathing problems, thus he became a widower. 

No man could stand such a miserable vision. Even the strongest heart and wicked mind would break down and cry. When Atom-Boy returned to reality, gone was his anger, replaced by sympathy, empathy and pity. He hugged Uncle-Man, caressed his hair, kissed his cheek and whispered silently into his ears, “it’s gonna be alright.” All disputes were soon forgotten. Their relationship started anew. Together they began to examine the death of Kung Fu.

When the police tried to butt in again, to them Uncle-Man said, “today we mourn a great hero who has passed away. Please show some respect by letting us to investigate.”

And this left them no words to argue. Under those watchful eyes, Atom-Boy checked every single angle and after searching here and there, Uncle-Man managed to find a diary called My Diary, A Man’s Best Friend. He passed the book to his curious partner.

As he received the book, Atom-Boy smiled when he read the title. Not only it revealed the sentimental side of the hero, the very human being in him, but judging from a manly handwriting that blended perfectly well with the girly artefact, one could tell the diary did reflect the yin-yang philosophy of its master. It was a really a legacy that only a hero of Kung Fu’s caliber could leave to the world. While gazing at the book cover with full respect, he took a deep breath. After that, he opened the book with his nervous, trembling hands and started reading…

“January 1^st, 2008. Dear Diary, I wet my underpants…

“January 2^nd, 2008. Dear Diary, I wet my underpants…

“January 3^rd, 2008. Dear Diary, I wet my underpants…”

As he kept reading, Atom-Boy shook his head in disbelief. It was painful to read that even the greatest hero succumbed to a very peculiar and disgraceful weakness. The handwriting, while so neat, engraved the agonizing defeat of the writer. There were visible traces of teardrops on some of the pages and Atom-Boy could only imagine that Vendy Fendi Lee was alone in the dead of night, crying for his shameful habit while jotting down the fact that he wet his pants again. He read on, and the content remained the same until the last page, which was, “Dear Diary, I wet my underpants and die…”

Then Atom-Boy closed the book. He felt so embarrassed for reading such a classified information he now wished he had never opened it at the first place. But more than that, Kung Fu’s last words were both enigmatic and prophetic. How could somebody write a thing like that and die? Did he see this coming?

But Uncle-Man begged to differ. He pointed out the fact that the ink smeared on the last alphabet of the word die. This indicated that he died the moment he finished the last sentence and as he delivered the final pen stroke with his last strength, the pen stayed there for quite a while and leaked. This also explained why he was not wearing underwear when he died. It was because he wet them all. Hypothetically, his death could be described like this: Kung Fu always wet his pants while he was sleeping. With this kind of sleeping habit, he damped his crotch more often than not. As a result, he slowly and unknowingly intoxicated his kidneys, ureter, bladder and urethra with various doses of urea from his urine on daily basis. On that very fateful night, when he woke up to write his diary as usual after he wet his pants again, the damage of the vital organs around his crotch were final and so the last word his managed to scribble before he died was the word die.

No analysis could be more impressive than this. Uncle-Man must be a genius for being able to see the slightest possibility beyond the impossibility or he was just a dolt who babbled about nothing in particular. But Atom-Boy listened only half or may be none of it because he happened to spot a suspicious figure peeping from afar. Without further ado, he quickly jumped out of window to chase the mysterious man…

***

It had been written that, “in case of emergency, break the glass.” Now Atom-Boy understood why a superhero wasn’t no cool superhero if he hadn’t fulfilled his destiny by doing the window-breaking action. He felt the adrenaline rushing the moment he broke the window and jumped out while the glass debris was floating midair and sparkling beautifully under the sun. For a split second, he felt like time stood still. The freedom, the sensation, the excitement, all mixed into one. 

Atom-Boy landed lightly on the ground with his cape covering him from the shattered glass while the people around him, with their mouths forming a full “O” shape as a sign of admiration, were subconsciously applauding for his dashing entrance. Atom-Boy couldn’t help smiling. It was great to know that these people still cheered for superhero in action. It had been a while…

And it could be truer than true that it had been a while since he last became a superhero! With zero activity as Atom-Boy, Tom Lee Jones did less exercising but more eating so when the chase was on, soon the adrenaline was gone. Just because he was strong enough to catch MRT, it didn’t mean that he was built for speed. His heart was pounding fast like the sound of double bass and every breath he took was shortened by every step he made. He panted, and when he started running with his tongue sticking out, he realized the fact that the three layers of fat he now had on his belly was not helping him. He cursed, telling himself that he’d been ambushed by carbohydrate. It put weight on him silently! Prior to this, little did he know that to sleep immediately after eating was equal to sleeping with the enemy!

Meanwhile the target managed to widen the distance between them. Atom-Boy would lose him if he didn’t think of something. And it was this time of all times that he remembered a superhero lesson from Confusion, the omnipotent wizard of might and magic from the Silver Age who clearly imitated the wisdom of the sage from folklore. Confusion once told a tale of a father and a son and the moral of the story was, the more the father told the son not to do so, the more the son tried to do so. As a closure, Confusion also said his now immortalized quote: “he who can’t convince must confuse.”

Couldn’t beat his opponent on the running race, Atom-Boy practiced the teaching of Confusion instead. As a tryout, Atom-Boy ordered the stranger to stop and the stranger ran faster! Atom-Boy told him not to turn right, but turn right he did. That was just great, because Atom-Boy knew where the path led to. Finally Atom-Boy warned him not to turn his head around to look at him, but this the escapee also disobeyed. Thus, unaware that he was running toward a dead-end, he banged the wall and tumbled down. Atom-Boy immediately caught him and…

***

Alternate cover of Pheng iu (Volume 1)
Image credit: Zhou Xiong Zhen

The Bizarre Adventure Of Atom-Boy And Uncle-Man (Part 3)

Tom Lee Jones was a superhero. He was known by his peers as Atom-Boy. Long before he became a superhero, he had an acute fainting fit that enabled him to faint without a warning. He collapsed when he was standing, he fainted when he was sitting, and alas, he even passed out when he was asleep! It happened too often that he seemed like busy spending his life in the state of comatose than being awake. 

He was endowed with an innate talent that he couldn’t be proud of.  For this he didn’t blame anybody, but he did express his feeling by writing in his diary that he was a weakling who tried his best to convince his friends that blackout was the “in” thing, and it could be learnt by loosening the mind control until it had no control at all. So desperate he was to justify his weakness he felt obliged to give a free demonstration three times a day for those who didn’t have the faintest idea what he was talking about. He even went as far as promising to certify those who passed the art of fainting. In his loneliest hours, he would think that he might be a mutant freak with the lousiest power ever, the power of fainting, which could only be cast upon him with no apparent control. 

That was how sad the man was.

This changed when he fainted for one last time while he was on a retreat. In his dream, he met a wise-old-holy man who told him he had hit his blackout quota, and thanks to his good manner of not damning the higher authority for blessing him with such a useless gift, he had passed the temptation and for that he would be rewarded. From that day onward, he would be Atom-Boy, where “A” in Atom-boy had the same function as “a” in the word asexual, which was a prefix to negate the meaning of the word. So Atom-Boy was a double entendre that could be translated literally as a boy who was everything but Tom and tomboy. The linguistics-derived ability granted him the disability of being Tom, his original self, thus prevented him from blackout and bequeathed him with superhuman power instead. 

Coming from a holy man, that was one holy crap, really, but Tom, always a faithful person, sincerely believed him. According to the term and condition that he must sign, he would become Atom-Boy every time his blackout sense was triggered. So he would had this panic attack where he felt like fainting every time there was a danger and the next thing he knew, he had become a hero who, like every other trendy hero would, wore underwear outside his pants. What make his appearance a bit special was he wore a white one (with a very elementary model designed especially for elementary school boy, complete with the inverted Y-shape formed by the seams at the front of the underpants, which allowed easy access to the penis for urination) as a symbol of youth. 

That was how cool the man turned out to be. 

And things got cooler when he made his debut. Always hope that he would make a grand entrance as payback for the mockery he suffered prior to this very defining moment, his wish was permitted by the old holy man. On the very first day of his short lasting career, one MRT (Mono Rail Train) was speeding out of its railway and crumbling down. Just when it seemed like death had come upon, Atom-Boy appeared from nowhere and here he came to save the day. 

Atom-Boy did make an effort to help, but superheroes or not, nobody would exactly know what to do when the speeding train was falling down from the aboveground level. No manual guideline on how to catch a train was ever written before, so experience was what it counted. 

And the experience was zero. Atom-Boy tried to catch the train from below, so it only made sense that the MRT landed exactly onto him, crushed him to the ground, exploded and everybody died. 

But Atom-Boy didn’t give up. He tried time and again until he achieved the sixth sense called déjà vu, a super sense that reminded him this thing happened before every time he faced a speeding train. This brought back the memory of his failure and he improved by not making the same mistakes anymore. 

After losing his grip and footing on countless occasions, the grave mistakes that caused a series of MRT explosions with all passengers being sent to meet their maker before time, he finally honed his rescuing skill. And there came the time when he made a successful attempt. For that single proud moment, he was billed in the newspaper as A Man Who Redeems Himself, the first positive publication he got after some disappointing headlines such as An Idiot Who Lets People Die or A Superhero Who Kills More Than A Super-Villain. 

Since then, as crazy as it might seem, many people, especially teenage girls, would expect the MRT to crash so they would have a chance to see the superhero that specialized in saving MRT. And Newtown City MRT Corporation took advantage by promoting its service as the safest monorail train in the world, thanks to Atom-Boy. As a result, the leading transportation company honored the hero by giving him an unofficial but more matured and profitable name for the company’s sake, MRT-Man. 

It was at the height of Atom-Boy’s popularity as MRT-Man that the bloody battle between Trademark and Kung Fu occurred. The fight was coincidentally captured by a surveillance camera and when it was proudly presented as “on screen for the first time” by the Seven O’Clock News, all hell broke loose. 

The scene where Trademark molested Uncle-Man alone was powerful enough to drive the TV viewers crazy. Watching how the scene switched from the newsreader’s smiley face to a close up of an ass covering ¾ of TV screen, regardless it was widescreen or not, was a mind blowing experience. It took the TV viewers at least three seconds before they realized the big black dot on their screens was actually an asshole. But the best was yet to come. Suddenly there was a hand touching the buttock. Nobody touched people’s butt like that and Trademark did it perfectly well. The effect was… majestic. Those who watched it were soon in tears. Never in their lives did they ever think they would live to see a sexual harassment scene that was so artfully crafted and beautifully done. When the hand was lifted up, revealing a handprint with wording “molested by Trademark, your trusted partner in molesting,” they smiled and clapped happily. They agreed that it was the grandest closure ever.

And it was as though they were being taken from their dreams when the footage changed to Kung Fu in action. It was so quick. TV viewers only saw a blurry image of Kung Fu. The martial art superhero jumped and kicked. Afterward, the blood was flowing top-down and TV screen turned red. 

Everybody awoke, then they realized that it was seven o’clock. It was a prime time, the perfect timing when parents and children would watch TV together. What a shame that this kind of show was broadcasted at this very hour! Not only there was no early warning such as parental guidance required, but also an ass, together with an asshole, was shown in its full-fledged glory. Those broadcasting people should have done something to censor it, something like what they did on Japanese porn. 

People were angry with those guys who worked on TV station for their carelessness on censorship, but they were angrier with superheroes. They were horrified, to be precise. And there was one good reason for this: it had been a stereotype since the golden age that superheroes were cute and cuddly, so it was way too much for public to accept that the world of superheroes these days, most of the time, were rough and rowdy. 

Public still remembered very well that not so long ago, Porcupine Djung was running loose on the street as the Fast. He was the younger brother of Dragon Djung, the legendary hero, and yet he became a super-villain instead of following in his brother’s footsteps. With this in mind, came a very good question: They had so much power, if they went berserk, who watched the watchmen?

The answer was nobody. That was the fact, and that was one scary fact.

And Kung Fu, of all the things he might fail to do, he didn’t smile when he kicked Trademark. This only confirmed what they feared the most. People then started to assume that this meant he wasn’t as friendly as what they used to think. When Kung Fu said that was his fighting expression, people started calling him arrogant. When Kung Fu was forced to smile on public, people said he looked like a sadist.

Whatever Kung Fu said and did, he just couldn’t win. They were putting him down. They were all scared and started complaining. There was a big campaign against superheroes going on at that time, but it was the fashion critics, as radical as ever, that raised the biggest issue of all by shouting the loudest, “and most importantly, what the hell exactly it is in their mind when they decide to run here and there in their skin-tight costumes? The costumes are so tight that one can practically see their genital shapes printed clearly on their costumes. It’s a porno action, for goodness’ sake! They better wear underwear down there!” 

And that was the last straw. The footage did prove that Uncle-Man wore no underwear when he was molested by Trademark. To make the matter worse, Uncle-Man, when he was being interviewed in the hospital, bluntly admitted that he also didn’t wear underwear when he was sleeping because he liked the spacious and windy feeling around his groin. He was very proud of that stupid little fact he started telling the media that his message for the upcoming Christmas was, “stop wearing underwear and give peace a chance.”

When the statement –together with the picture of Uncle-Man grinning an innocent-cum-idiotic smile while making peace sign by V-shaping his fingers– was published on the gossip tabloid, it critically damaged the reputation of superheroes. Every element in the society agreed that superheroes had done more harm than good. Thus, once the rule was set and the regulation was approved, it was finally declared that the heyday of superheroes was over. To add insult to injury, a special task force to handle superheroes was formed to support this new act. 

It hurt to see how those people cheered for the fact that government had taken serious actions against superheroes. Never thought that the same people he once swore to protect would oppose his very existence, Kung Fu felt that his trust and confidence had been betrayed. He renounced his superhero career. Spider-Fatman would be the second to go. And Uncle-Man, well, he had been long gone with his secret identity revealed, thanks to nationwide broadcast of his British arse. 

With all of them quitting, Atom-Boy became the last active superhero in town. He climbed up to the top of the wanted list in no time because he was the only one left on the list. With this kind of achievement, his popularity went downhill, from hero to zero. Furthermore, Newtown City MRT Corporation, in order to save the company image, quickly did a business maneuver by distancing themselves from Atom-Boy. They called him Non-MRT-Man to emphasize that the company had nothing to do anymore with the fallen hero. In their effort to gain public’s trust, they accused Atom-Boy of sabotaging the train with the intention of staging his signature entrance. This move was proven to be very popular in the public eye and further alienating the lonesome superhero.

And the pressure was taking its toll. Tom Lee Jones gulped a mouthful of pills since then, not to commit suicide, but only to drug himself so he became dull and dull he did become, so dull he was one couldn’t really tell whether he looked stupid or idiot. The drug influence rendered his blackout sense senseless, therefore he couldn’t kick in to superhero mode. With Atom-Boy nowhere to be seen, superheroes were finally no more…  

***

Tom Lee Jones’ resignation marked the beginning of the modern period, an era where superheroes were banned. It seemed like the end, with only one or two of them, such as Bodhi, operating underground to carry on the legacy of superheroes.

Bodhi was just a college student when the famous Shit-Man made a pledge of picking up all the shits on the riverside, but thanks to his intensive study, he now called himself Cyber-Man and roamed the cyber world to fight for justice while Shit-Man, now wore no costume and was largely forgotten, was still picking up endless shits on the riverside. 

While newcomers like Bodhi coped with the current situation, those long time players were trying their very best to live as normal people. Some lived peaceful lives, but some simply couldn’t find peace. They used be in action out there, watched by millions of hungry eyes that admired them, so it was plain to see why they felt very much useless now. They clearly missed the excitement and it didn’t take long before they started doing anything to get the excitement back. If sacrificing the reputation were all it took, then a sacrifice it would be. 

Spider-Fatman is a good example of this casualty. Gone were the days when he was an agile fat man in spider costume who got the abilities to attach on the wall and rely on his sticky web as a weapon. He now relied on world wide web instead. With his natural built pocking device, he attached himself onto woman’s body and there he would be for the next fifteen minutes, campaigning the slogan make love, not war via internet. So there he was, out there in action once again, stared by the eyes of the admirers. And while other people needed to pay the price for the excitement, he was actually making money from the pay-per-view online payment system. 

But it was a sad fact, really, to see the one that was once idolized by millions, now was only idolized by perverts. But life went on. Little did the olden superheroes know that they would return for one last time…

***

The limited edition bookmark during the launch of Pheng iu (Volume 1)
Image credit: Eve Pll

The Bizarre Adventure Of Atom-Boy And Uncle-Man (Part 2)

With Mark on board, it was easy to enlist another housemates. It was either they joined them voluntarily or they gotta suffer the consequence. Take Porcupine Djung as an example. He learnt it the hard way and finally accepted the offer when he was told by the very cool Mark that the last person who dared to say no to him died the next day. As if that was not intimidating enough, Mark even warned him if there was a slightest chance that person didn’t die the next day, then he must be dead the day after tomorrow. And the silly Porcupine Djung, already scared the shit out of himself, didn’t dare to ask furthermore what will happen if the person didn’t die the day after tomorrow. Little did he know that person actually lived happily ever after because he didn’t die the day after tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Robin was developing some basic ideas that he’d been discussing with Willem. He managed to deliver the script before the deadline because there was no deadline. According to his script, Tom Lee Jones was the super strong Atom-Boy, Enrico was the enigmatic Uncle-Man and Mark was Trademark, the perverted evil man. These were the three main characters. There were many more, although some of them were just cameos.

When the shooting was commenced, it was an all-new experience to everybody. Willem, always a natural leader when it came to movie making, was doing well in directing, but none of the others was an actor or actress. They were so nervous they kept giggling from time to time. This infuriated Willem, never failed to trigger him shouting, “no teeth are allowed! No teeth are allowed!”

Robin, who sat behind the camera, certainly wouldn’t miss his chance to take part in this riot. When this happened, he wouldn’t hesitate to show some moral support to the director. Polishing Willem’s original line into something that was typically his, he would yell to the stars, “no tits are allowed! No tits are allowed!”

And after three months of “no tits are allowed,” they finally finished the movie. It took another two months to do the post-production job, but after that, it was time to attend the premiere!

On the very night, the living room was very much alive. It was a chatty night, to be precise, with everybody busy chatting and ignoring the director’s speech. Mark, claimed that he was drunk because he drank too much Cock (the abbreviation of Cock-Up Cola, a carbonated non-alcoholic soft drink), was asking where he could he put his handprints while his two hands were facing Wah Wah’s chest, waiting for an approval.

But it wasn't Wah Wah if she couldn’t disapprove Mark’s naughty request. Always a smart girl, Wah Wah rejected the idea politely by saying, “but Mark, my parents don’t raise me so that one day you can put your hands on my chest.”

“Strange, then,” answered Mark, trying his best not to look stupid, “because it seems like my parents raise me so I can put my hands on your chest.”

“If that’s the case, I’ll call your mother to confirm,” said Wah Wah calmly.

She picked up her phone and Mark, now looked stupid without even trying to look stupid, panicked and was begging on his bended knees, asking Wah Wah to show some mercy.

“Gotcha! Stupid Mark, I don’t even know your mother’s phone number.”

And those who watched the battle of wits were laughing.

After that humorous prelude, the silence befell. Everybody paid attention to the screen. The Bizarre Adventure of Atom-Boy and Uncle-Man was now showing for the first time…

***

There was a time when superheroes walked among us. They walked, sometimes they ran if they were in hurry, simply because they couldn’t fly. But still, although they all lacked of gravity-defying power, it was so much fun to have just a glimpse of them. It somehow gave us hope, because we all knew it took a lot of courage to don underwear in front of their colorful skin-tight costumes. One with an analytical mindset could only wonder how difficult it would be if the so-called superhero needed to pee in such a troublesome outfit like that.

Apparently, being a superhero was a tough job. Not only because they didn’t make money for their good deeds or sometimes people would forget to say thanks, but also, with a daily problem of peeing, it was almost confirmed that sooner or later they would suffer from kidney problems.

Despite of the major health issues (kidney failure sure would cause financial difficulties), they still became superheroes, no matter what the risk was. It didn’t mean that they didn’t care for themselves, but there was this noble reason that drove them to fight till finish or die trying: they believe that whatever they did, they did it for a greater good.

Dragon Djung was the first superhero to appear. According to A Big Book of the Superheroes’ Secret Origins by the alleged Bookmark, Djung was an unknown –as opposed to renown– martial artist who starred in a low-budget movie called Exit the Dragon. Djung was labeled by a local gossip tabloid as Short Dragon because that was how he looked like. Alas, he was also fat, not fit. His big and bloated tummy was absolutely no six-pack. Family pack was more like it. Last but not least, as if to complete his series of unfortunate events, he was sued by a famous video game company for unwittingly naming his fighting style Nin Ten Do. 

Far from the superheroes heyday where those daredevil superheroes would run publicly in their tight and bright costumes with devil-may-care attitude regardless something taboo was obviously protruding, Dragon Djung was more of a vigilant type, which meant he ambushed and ran. And run he sure would, especially when the enemy carried a knife or dagger. He was also quite primitive in the sense of fashion, which meant he liked to be seen topless so he could show his flabby chest and obese belly. But then again, it suited the era. It was a simpler time and so simple it was that the enemy with the tattoo of a scorpion on his biceps was considered as the fiercest and if he smoked, it was absolutely confirmed that he represented evil.

After what the history chronicler called 'the stone age of superheroes' ended, came the golden age. It was in this period when the term “superheroes” was coined to those super young men. Unlike Dragon Djung, they really had a super-ability or two. 

Shit-Man was the great example of the tame-n-lame superheroes of this era. As an environmental hero, Shit-Man was gifted with super-powers such as looking at other people’s shit without fear, holding shit without feeling dirty and eating shit without hesitation. Physically, his stomach was as strong as septic tank so it was okay for him to eat shit. To emphasize his glorious features, he even wore a super close-fitting costume called T-Shit with a shit crest on his chest!

His greatest achievement had been told many times since then. So there was this person who shitted on the river and there was that boy who brushed his teeth by the side of the same river. The shit came out from that guy’s ass and flowed towards the boy. Never realized that the danger was approaching, the boy was about to take the water to rinse his mouth. Lucky for him, Shit Da Bao, the door-to-door perfume salesman, was somewhere nearby. He anticipated the disgusting incident by acting more disgusting than the disgusting incident itself: he shitted the costume out from his asshole and wore it straightaway. Soon after, it was Shit-Man to the rescue! He quickly jumped to the river and ate the shit. The boy saw what he did and then thanked the superhero for saving his life. Like all superheroes would, Shit-Man told him it was no big deal. 

Enchanted by the heroic action, the boy said he wanted to be like him one day.

And Shit-Man encouraged the boy by telling him to eat shit.

The poor little boy was discouraged instead. To eat vegetable was one thing, but to eat shit? That didn’t sound too promising. If he ate shit, what would he become? A lousy sidekick who called himself Shit-Boy? On the second thought, becoming a doctor or a lawyer seemed like a better idea.

Nevertheless, Shit-Man did become a headline. And his memorable quote was, “have you eaten shit today?”  

So that was one nostalgic moment of golden age. It was a nicer time. Things got darker after that. Seeing how these supers were so restricted by their so-called responsibilities when they actually could achieve more for themselves with their powers, some would think the idea 'with great power comes no responsibility' sounded much more entertaining. This, in time, turned them into the super-villains.

And so began the silver age. Porcupine Djung was the first to commit crimes. He was the Fast, the fastest porcupine alive. That was the coolest title a man in the porcupine costume could get and he could consider himself lucky. As a comparison, once there was a man who was accidentally doused by carrot juice right in his eyes when a blender machine exploded, so he got himself an excessive dosage of vitamin A and acquired an extraordinary eyesight. With his super-vision, he then donned a carrot-like costume and started calling himself Carrot-Man. His first good deed was to tell an old woman in the bus stop that bus number 67 was coming from afar. But for his good deed, did people call him the greatest prophet alive? No, they simply called him crazy and had him locked up in a mental hospital at once.

But the Fast, the fastest porcupine alive… the name rang true! He ran faster than the Olympic gold medal sprinter on steroids, so he surely faced no difficulty when he had to get away from cops. Furthermore, he could leave a trail of thorns by shedding the spikes on his back in order to stop them from chasing him with cars. He seemed unstoppable, until Enrico –a young police officer who liked to slack and went to smoke during working hours– happened to watch the footage of the Fast on and on in order to act busy when what he really wanted was just to kill time. After rewinding the tape for who knew how many times, he suddenly realized that they actually still could see the Fast when he ran. 

“That’s it! That’s the key. It’s not like, now you see him, now you don’t. He’s not that fast,” said Enrico when he called up a meeting. “We still can see him, we only can’t catch him. The point is, he’s not faster than a speeding bullet.”

And Porcupine Djung was crippled with a single shot, pleaded guilty and ended up in jail for nobody cared how long. As for Enrico, it was because of his brilliant deduction the police force managed to capture the Fast. He was about to be promoted, but he resigned instead and started his career as Uncle-Man, the super spy who looked like an uncle, a master of acting blur and eavesdropping. On his debut as a private investigator, Uncle-Man targeted the biggest bastard of them all, Trademark.

Trademark, formerly known as Mark, was a rapper-cum-rapist. So there was this girl who didn’t want to listen to him rapping, so he raped her instead. But shame on him, he found out that he couldn’t rape a girl for he was impotent. That was when he realized that with great desire, it was important no to be impotent. But it was too late. The damage was done. He was so humiliated he got no choice except to humiliate the one who humiliated him. From that moment onward, he became Trademark, the impotent bastard who left a handprint on the girl’s right breast as an important trademark that this girl had been manhandled by a man with a manhood problem. And every girl who fell victim to this abuse suffered from a terrible trauma because they felt the complete humiliation of being raped by a man who couldn’t even achieve full erection, let alone performed raping.

And Uncle-Man was close to his target, so close he was he himself became the target because Trademark had realized that he had been followed by Uncle-Man for quite some time. The two were having a showdown and Uncle-Man, always looked more like an uncle than a fighter, was helpless and being cornered in no time. The only reason why he could dodge Trademark’s trademark of right boob squeezing was simply because he had no boobs. Missed not by an inch but by a measurement of D cup size, Trademark determined to grab Uncle-Man’s fat British arse instead this time. He confronted Uncle-Man again, but just when Trademark was about to imprint his trademark, Kung Fu, the martial artist superhero, came to Uncle-Man’s rescue.

Kung Fu jumped into the fighting scene. When he was airborne, he executed each and every kicking style that was ever created under the sun. The result was damn frightening. Not only the kicks were randomly flashing here and there, they were also swirling like a tornado from time to time. So dangerous his kicks were he managed to drive Trademark away from Uncle-Man…

Or so it seemed. It wasn’t Trademark if he let Uncle-Man go easily. He acted as if he was scared and about to run for his life, but at last minute, he grinned and grabbed Uncle-Man’s right butt as strong as possible, covering Uncle-Man’s blue birthmark by putting his handprint on the top of it! 

Always a perverted perfectionist with a classy taste when it came to scandalizing an ill-fated ass in a way that the owner would never imagine, Trademark also engraved a permanent inscription inside his handprint, stating clearly that this butt had been, “molested by Trademark, your trusted partner in molesting.” And as a good closure, he also left a lifetime warranty card, stating that a splendid time was guaranteed for all.

The most unpredictable and uncivilized happening happened too fast. There was no way Kung Fu could prevent that. By the time he kicked his way in, Uncle-Man’s ass had been screwed big time and Trademark, knowing that he couldn’t escape, had prepared himself for the worst. He laughed when the first kick landed on his body and he still laughed when the last kick sent him flying in the air.

Trademark fell down. Every single bone in his body was crushed. Even his teeth were reduced into calcium powder when he tried to smile. The super-villain was finally defeated. But did Kung Fu really win? No, although he beat the snot out of Trademark, it didn’t change the fact that he failed to save Uncle-Man. In the end, it was Trademark who had the last laugh… 

***

The unused artwork of Pheng iu

Image credit: Zhou Xiong Zhen

The Bizarre Adventure Of Atom-Boy And Uncle-Man (Part 1)

Willem the Dutch guy –the distant relative of Dutch Lady and the Flying Dutch Man– was a multi-talented cinematographer.  He could be anything: from director to post-production  editor.  But since the day of Genesis, God was always fair that Willem  had everything he needed but the look of a leading actor. As a result, whenever he secured a chance to participate in a movie, he was limited only to some minor roles such as a stink beggar, disfigured cripple or dying man. But if it was required, he could even play a dying-disfigured-crippled-stink  beggar –all characters combined– at once. That was how versatile he was.

As lousy as all his roles might seem, Willem understood perfectly well that what he did up until now was just a passing fade. He kept the faith that he’d be somebody great one day. History had taught him that all the great people he knew went through the hardest way before they became all the great people he knew. With that kind of incomplete thought in  mind –he didn't seem to notice the fact that many of them actually died in the process and became all the great people he’d never know– Willem patiently waited for the right time. He knew he’d be a movie director. That was what he wanted to be and he was pretty sure about this. Deep down inside his heart, he always had this strange feeling that he’d know his chance when he saw one. And it was coming soon.

True enough, the  chance did come when Willem became the last tenant to join 44A Lorong Ahmad Marzoeki lodging house. After observing how they interacted with each other, he was intrigued by the raw talents of his fellow housemates, most notably Robin.

  

Once an aspiring artist and now an expiring artist, Robin was an IT officer who spent his own sweet time watching naked show in order to stop his brain from daydreaming about the naked show. Yeah, he loved to watch Animal Planet, the  show where every one of them was naked. That’s why he knew those little facts like the Bonobos were very sexually active  –and they went as far as doing penis fencing– when the other housemates didn’t even have the slightest idea of what the Bonobos were.

As an IT dude, Robin was supposed to be a very technical and  introvert guy. It'd been a common understanding that the more a person knew about IT, the more geeky this person would become. But of all the courses like Cisco course and Microsoft course, who in the right mind would guess that  the one and only course that fascinated Robin was sexual intercourse? Instead of being timid, Robin was as perverted as Mark of the Wolves.

By any chance, if someone was being compared to Mark, he must be either really bad or very special. Al Pone –the genius among all housemates who befriended Mark since college and the pioneer of Punkzoology, a science discipline that studied Mark Punk– had stated in his book, a tribute to Charles Darwin called The Origin of Mark by Means of Supernatural Selection, that Mark could be defined as: a degenerate bipedal creature of mammals who had two visible nipples and a beastly mindset of the flirty filthy wolf that, surprisingly, could finish college and became a degree holder, and whose evolution was the most unpredictable because, if one would like to trace back, it went like this: Mark  -- Missing Link -- pig! With such a vast difference between the original creature (pig) and what it had become (Mark), only God knew what the Missing Link species was.

Based on that theory and an old saying, “a pervert is not perverted unless he has something perverted and what’s more, what else and whatever,” Robin sure had a quality of more than a regular IT guy. And it didn’t take a long time to see what he could do. He sang, he danced whenever the music played and the most important thing of all, he wrote. This Willem discovered when he read a short story with an eye-catching title on the notice board:

The Unbelievably Brief Story of Uncle-Man (by Yours Truly) 

Uncle-Man was a super spy who looked like an uncle.The  end.

While many considered this story as a nonsense that even failed to manifest as a nonsense, Willem couldn’t help laughing hysterically. The story was really unbelievably brief! Only a mad man with a twisted sense of humor would write stuff like this. And the man, with a big proud and happy smile on his face, happened to stand behind him.

“So you like my story?” asked Robin.

And that was how Willem learnt about the existence of his future scriptwriter. But before they started collaborating, there was one important thing that Willem needed to confirm: the notorious habit of his new partner in crime.

“Legend has it that you like to watch porn. Is it true?” asked Willem.

“Yeah, it’s because they’re naked, too. Just like those in the Animal Planet.”

Willem laughed. That was really one funny naked truth. It tickled. 

***

It was hard to tell whether they both were autistic or artistic, but it seemed like Willem and Robin were in  their own world, discussing an absorbing discussion that only they themselves knew what they were talking about. Here were two young men, bringing out the best of each other. Sometimes they  laughed. Sometimes they argued. Sometimes they scribbled something. Sometimes they secretly pointed finger to everybody and whispered silently, as  if they were gossiping. And this easily misunderstood conduct sure brought them harm, especially after Robin –of all the fingers he could use– used his middle finger and pointed it to Mark. For good measure, he even inserted his thumb between his point and middle finger, and then waved it gracefully in front of Mark, who happened to notice that they had been talking behind his back for quite some time.  

Thanks to Robin, the days of their lives were immediately numbered. If no adequate information was provided, there’d be one bloody massacre for sure. Judging from how angry Mark was, Robin might die with no grave for not even his own mother would recognize his dead body once Mark was finished slaughtering him. In his anger, Mark swore to all unholy entities with all the swearing words he knew that he wouldn’t leave anything identifiable, not even Robin’s big black hairy mole on his butt. And poor Willem, because he chose a wrong friend to discuss with, he’d now die the same horrible and painful death. Mark was not very forgiving, particularly not after he had been finger-signaled in both Western and Eastern styles for all the wrong reasons.

The hurricane blew and the thunder roared when Mark delivered the earth-shattering punch toward his victims. Mark looked vicious. His mouth was open and the tongue inside was jiggling like mad. As if that was not scary enough, he somehow managed to get his saliva drooling from the corner of his lips so he looked crazy and retarded. This expression of his might be a reason why people used to call him Mark of the Wolves, but come to think of it, he looked more like a rabid dog than a wolf.  

“That’s  it!” Willem shouted in a happy tone when he saw Mark’s mouth in a kissing shape as he tried his best to howl. Surprised, the charging Mark was suddenly immobilized. Willem then came forward to squeeze Mark’s cheek and while pointing to the round, octopussy shaped mouth, he said, “this is what we want!”

Feeling flattered, Mark couldn’t help stating his mind with his remarkable unnecessary remark. “My kiss? Is that what you want?”

And for that he was slapped.

“This kind of anger! We can start with this, Robin!”

“Hmm, I think I see your point.”

“Excuse me! I’m supposed to be the one who’s angry here. May I know what’s going on?” said Mark, interrupting the conversation.

And as they explained, Mark’s eyes get bigger and bigger. He was flabbergasted by the idea. Gone was his anger. With eyes that sparked the innocence and sincerity of Mama’s happy little  boy, he asked whether he could be the good guy or not, a question to which Robin replied, “do you look like a good guy?”

Now that was one easy question with an inevitable answer, but Mark begged to differ. He needed time to think carefully and thoroughly. But instead of doing some research and getting himself involved in some difficult mathematics calculation like all geniuses were when they searched for an answer, Mark simply scratched his ass for inspiration. However, even after his ass bled, the truth remained the same. No good man could say he was a good man for a good man who said so was actually not a good man. Mark never said that to himself, but then again, nobody ever said the same thing to him, too. In the end, as honest as always, Mark could only shake his head.

Robin smiled. “There you go.”

Truth hurt, and Mark was so upset he now refused to take part in their upcoming movie. Now he understood why his mother could never look him in the eye every time she said he was a good boy. Suddenly he felt that he was simply not good and if he was ever good, then he was good for nothing.  

Mark was brooding. This was bad because Willem wanted him badly in the scene that he had mentally pictured. Yeah, after witnessing Mark’s anger display, Willem had visualized an exotic, wild and sexy scene where Mark was shaking, rattling androlling his tongue while the saliva was dripping and splashing around. Imagine a scene in slow motion with the duration of 45 seconds where everybody, from kids to adults, could watch a wet tongue waggling and wiggling like nobody’s business. It was a musthave! It was an award winning scene!

Therefore Willem wouldn’t take no for an answer. He calmly approached Markand cheered him up. He told him an inspiring story to recharge his spirit. So there was this dog called Rin Tin Tin who became very famous and there was that dog called Lassie who also became very famous.

“You are Mark of the Wolves! You howl when those dogs could only bark. Don’t tell me, you, the superior creature, lose to those quadruped wolf-like animals.You are better than that. You are homo homini lupus –yeah, whatever that means– so act like one!”

Mark understood only less than half of the speech –not because he was stupid, but because he was simply not smart enough– but it didn’t matter anymore. What he really needed right now was just a support from a friend. When Willem patted his shoulder like a good friend should be, Mark had regained his confidence. He thanked Willem and confirmed his participation in their movie, regardless the fact that he couldn’t play the good guy… 

***

The unused artwork of Pheng iu
Image credit: Zhou Xiong Zhen

Perlukah Kita Membela Agama?

Ada beberapa orang yang bertanya kepada saya, apakah kita perlu membela agama kita. Saya iyakan bahwa kita perlu membela agama kita, namun kita harus tahu cara yang tepat. Ini sama prinsipnya dengan seorang anak yang harus membela nama baik orang tuanya. Karena anak adalah perwakilan dari keluarga, maka dari itu seorang anak wajib membela orang tuanya.

Ada banyak cara yang digunakan anak-anak dalam membela orang tua mereka. Bagi yang temperamental, kepalan tangannya mulai bekerja saat ia merasakan penghinaan atas nama orang tua mereka. Saya ingat betul ketika saya masih di SDN 29, seringkali banyak murid lain yang suka mengata-ngatai orang tua. Waktu itu, yang saya lakukan adalah mengepalkan tangan saya dan bergegas melayangkan tinju. Dalam seminggu hampir tidak pernah luput dari berantem dengan alasan membela nama orang tua, seakan-akan nama baik orang tua saya tergantung dari penilaian orang lain.

Sekarang, ketika saya memikirkan kembali apakah cara yang saya gunakan untuk membela nama orang tua itu benar atau malah merusak nama mereka, saya jadi merasa bukankah dengan cara begitu saya malah membuat orang tua saya dicap sebagai orang tua yang suka mengajarkan kekerasan? Lebih buruk lagi, bisa jadi orang tua saya dijuluki preman. Dari situ saya sadari, bukankah sebaiknya kita membela nama orang tua kita dengan sikap dan perbuatan baik kita, sehingga orang banyak akan tahu bahwa orang tua kita mengajarkan kelakuan dan perbuatan baik?

Kesabaran yang kita tunjukkan bisa memberikan pengaruh yang baik untuk orang lain. Terkadang banyak keanehan dari sikap-sikap dan pengertian kita yang kita terus pertahankan dari waktu ke waktu. Contohnya saat kita di jalan dan tiba-tiba ada yang memanggil, "hei, bajingan," mood kita yang happy langsung berubah menjadi marah. Jika kita mau berpikir jernih, sebenarnya tidak ada alasan untuk kita untuk marah karena jika sebutan itu bukanlah mencerminkan diri kita, kenapa kita harus marah? Contoh lain yang sederhana, kalau ada yang memanggil saya dengan sebutan alau padahal nama saya adalah Alvin, saya sepatutnya berlalu begitu saja karena yang dipanggil itu bukan saya.

Sungguh aneh tapi nyata, di saat ada kata-kata negatif, kita malah merasa itu adalah diri kita dan menjadi marah. Contoh lain yang terkadang lucu adalah, biasanya saya temukan tulisan yang berbunyi, "dilarang buang sampah disini, anjing." Bukankah ini artinya kalau merasa dirinya anjing, maka tidak boleh membuang sampah di sini. Dengan kata lain, jika tidak buang sampah di sini berarti anjing.

Tentunya saya tidak mendukung inisiatif buang sampah sembarangan. Yang saya mau kita ubah adalah kebiasaan aneh kita yang terus-menerus kita pertahankan. Oleh karena itu, sebaiknya kita tulis, "jangan buang sampah disini, Orang Keren." Jika ada yang bisa disimpulkan dari contoh-contoh ini, kebiasaan aneh yang sering kita pertahankan adalah fakta bahwa kita mudah terprovokasi dari orang lain. Kita seperti robot yang remote control-nya di tangan orang lain sehingga mudah sekali bagi orang lain untuk membuat kita marah.

Dengan pengalaman inilah saya berpikir juga bahwa dalam hal membela agama, jika kita mau jujur, apa daya kita sebagai manusia yang lemah sehingga kita mengganggap diri kita mampu membela agama (Tuhan)? Bukankah Tuhan yang menciptakan kita dan kita percaya Tuhan mampu melakukan apapun? Bukankah Tuhan juga memberikan kebebasan kepada manusia untuk memilih jalan hidupnya? Tentu saja sebelumnya Tuhan memberitahu mana yang baik dan mana yang buruk melalui agama yang kita anut. Apakah kita berani berpikir bahwa Tuhan tidak mampu membuat manusia semuanya baik dan menganut hanya satu agama saja?

Tuhan mampu melakukan segala sesuatu, namun karena Dia menghargai kebebasan manusia, Tuhan tidak menggunakan kuasa-Nya untuk memerintah manusia seperti layaknya robot. Nah, mari berpikir kembali jika agama (Tuhan) kita dikatakan tidak seperti yang kita yakini, tidak perlu marah. Anggap saja itu karena mereka belum kenal, dan kalau begitu, mari kita kenalkan. Tidak perlu langsung mengepalkan tangan dan mulai membabi buta. Atas nama bela agama apa pun lantas dilakukan. Bukankah jika kita marah terhadap apa yang dikatakan orang lain tanpa kita jelaskan itu artinya kita akui bahwa yang dikatakannya itu benar adanya? Marilah kita berpikir yang logis.

Sekali lagi, apakah kita tidak perlu membela agama kita? Sama halnya seperti seorang anak yang wajib membela orang tuanya, begitu juga dalam hal membela agama, kita wajib membela agama. Menurut saya, caranya yaitu dengan sikap dan perbuatan baik sehingga orang-orang akan tahu bahwa agama (Tuhan) kita adalah Tuhan yang memberikan kasih dan cinta. Bersikap dan berbuatlah sehingga tanpa kita mengatakan apa agama kita, orang-orang sudah mengetahuinya karena perbuatan kita. Seringkali saya berpikir jika saya masih seperti dulu, membela orang tua dengan kepalan tangan, dan kemudian saya terapkan pula dalam membela agama, maka saya bukannya membela agama saya, tapi malah membuat orang-orang menilai bahwa agama (Tuhan) saya yang saya percayai itu mengajarkan kekerasan, tidak menghargai yang lain dan bisa jadi malah Tuhan saya di anggap preman...

Catatan: ini adalah pandangan pribadi, jadi tidak ada yang perlu dipertentangkan. Kalau ada nilai positif, silahkan diambil. Apabila dirasakan tidak ada nilai positif, anggaplah ini tulisan anak kecil yang ingin mengungkapkan pendapatnya. Saya pribadi sangat menghargai perbedaan pandangan dalam berbagai aspek. Di sini saya hanya mencoba memberikan sudut pandang saya tentang apakah perlu kita membela agama yang kita anut.

Kepalan tangan bukanlah jawaban untuk setiap perkara, apalagi perihal bela agama

The Artworks

Some of you might have noticed that the photo section of the three days old Facebook Page of Roadblog101 has only two pictures so far: one is the profile picture and the other is the cover photo. For your information, it's been years since I ever produced any artwork, so where do they come from? Well, the credit should go to the two gentlemen, the school friends of mine, Eday Ng and Parno Bong.

Only God knows exactly how long we've known each other. Our adventures go way, way back: we had a memorable but rather torturous seafaring trip, we got lost on a beautiful but ghostly island and many more, but hey, let's save those stories for another occasion. For now, we'll simply talk about Eday and Parno as artists.

As the men of art, the two can't be more diverse. They are like the exact opposite, with each on the extreme end of the spectrum. Eday is established and well respected, a man with plenty achievements, excels in many, if not all, art forms he ever puts his hands on. Some of you may know him as a Gundam expert (and he's in Dubai for the event as I'm writing this), but the truth is, he's the man of many talents and he uses them well. Parno, on the other hand, is an ever aspiring comic artist since he and I started together back in 1995. After all these years, he never gives up. An easygoing man who laughs at any rejection thrown at him, he's admirable for his fighting spirit. As different as they can be, as worlds apart as they are, they're still friendly towards each other in whatever little time they have together. That is just nice.

Seriously, in this ever-changing world, believe me when I say our friendship is just beautiful. When I said I needed help for the artworks, I got them from the two just like that. I know how busy Eday could be, so I hesitated to ask, but he heard of it and came up with something, literally as fast as finger snapping. It was no sweat for him, but the result was still brilliant as you can see for yourself. That was how the profile picture came about.

I did ask for Parno's help and this being a last minute request, he basically got only one day to finish it. If I may guess, he could have drawn the inspiration from the name of the blog itself (you see, it's a word play and should have been road block instead), therefore he asked if I could send him a picture from my Yogyakarta trip that he saw some time back. With that as a base, he developed his masterpiece, sent us the draft and got us speechless (by the way, us means his ex-shoolmates, the sounding board). I eventually thought I could use something that was not too serious or something we all could laugh about, so I said okay. 

And laugh we did. Eday pointed out that if we looked closely at the guy in light purple shirt, it looks as though his eyes have turned white and he might have been dead. That was just hilarious and at the same time, very much Parno's style, complete with his honest mistake.

Anyway, this article is written to celebrate the two talents we talk about here. You guys are great in your own way and I'm thankful for the assistance rendered. Cheers!

PS: if you ever wonder what happened in 1995, that was when I started doing comics. My drawing speed couldn't keep up with the flowing ideas as I wasn't any good in drawing. I quit and Parno, who was into drawing comics after seeing what I did, carries on since then.

Profile Picture by Eday Ng

Karya Seni

Barangkali ada di antara pembaca yang sudah melihat bahwa halaman Facebook Roadblog101 yang baru berumur tiga hari ini hanya memiliki dua gambar di bagian foto-foto. Satu foto dipakai sebagai gambar profil, sedangkan yang lain ditampilkan sebagai gambar latar belakang. Mengingat Penulis sudah bertahun-tahun lamanya tidak pernah berkarya seni, lantas semua ini dari mana? Untuk mengetahui asal-usulnya, mari kita bahas dua nama ini, Eday Ng dan Parno Bong.

Sedikit tentang Penulis dan dua orang yang baru disebut ini, kita adalah teman sejak sekolah yang mengalami berbagai petualangan bersama. Ada kisah menembus ombak mengarungi lautan, ada pula kisah terdampar di pulau berhantu dan masih banyak lagi, tapi mungkin kita simpan dulu cerita-cerita ini untuk lain waktu. Pada kesempatan ini, mari kita mengenal Eday dan Parno sebagai seniman.

Sebagai pelaku seni, dua orang ini memiliki ciri khas yang sungguh berbeda dan bahkan bertolak belakang seperti dua kutub yang berlawanan arah. Eday sudah tersohor dan dihormati di bidang yang ia tekuni. Prestasinya tidak diragukan lagi. Apa saja yang ia kerjakan, hasilnya menakjubkan. Beberapa di antara kalian mungkin mengenalnya sebagai pakar Gundam rakitan (dan, di kala artikel ini ditulis, dia sedang berada di Dubai dalam rangka acara Gundam). Di sisi lain, ada Parno yang sudah menggeluti dunia komik sejak tahun 1995 hingga hari ini. Parno dikenal sebagai seorang yang berwatak riang, tidak takut akan penolakan dan dikagumi karena kegigihannya dalam menggambar komik. Dua orang ini bukan saja berbeda karakter, tetapi juga terpisah sejauh ribuan kilometer, namun uniknya mereka tetap bersahabat dan bertegur sapa secara langsung ketika kesempatan mengiijinkan. Dunia pun menjadi lebih baik karenanya.

Kalimat  di atas tidak sepenuhnya kiasan. Ketika kita masih bisa bercanda selayaknya teman lama, maka percayalah kalau persahabatan tersebut indah adanya. Ketika Penulis membutuhkan beberapa karya untuk dijadikan ilustrasi, mereka berdua membantu dengan cuma-cuma tanpa mengharapkan imbalan apa pun.

Penulis awalnya sungkan untuk meminta bantuan dari Eday mengingat betapa sibuk aktivitasnya, tetapi Eday dengan senang hati membantu. Satu hal yang perlu diceritakan di sini adalah kemampuannya dalam berkarya. Ia tidak butuh waktu banyak dalam memvisualisasikan idenya dan hasilnya, seperti yang bisa pembaca lihat sendiri, layak diacungi jempol. 

Untuk karya Parno, ceritanya sedikit berbeda. Parno yang dihubungi dan diminta kesediaannya untuk berkarya, sesuatu yang tentunya dengan senang hati disanggupi olehnya. Parno meminta foto mobil di gunung Merapi, kemungkinan besar karena ia diilhami oleh kata road blog, yang sebenarnya merupakan plesetan dari kata road block. Berdasarkan foto tersebut, ia menciptakan karyanya secepat mungkin mengingat terbatasnya waktu. Ketika ia mengirimkan karyanya lewat group chat, semua boleh dikatakan terperangah. Penulis lantas berpikir bahwa karya ini mungkin bisa dipakai untuk menciptakan suasana yang santai, apalagi setelah Eday dengan jeli menunjukkan bahwa pria berbaju ungu di gambar ini sudah memutih matanya dan disinyalir mati, maka jadilah gambar yang lucu ini sebagai latar.

Pada akhirnya, Penulis ingin menyampaikan rasa terima kasih kepada dua orang yang telah berpartisipasi ini. Artikel ini ditulis untuk menghormati seni, karena di dalam seni kita menemukan dua talenta yang berbeda dan menginspirasi dengan masing-masing karyanya.

PS: jikalau ada yang ingin tahu apa sebenarnya yang terjadi di tahun 1995, itu adalah tahun dimana Penulis mulai mengarang komik. Akan tetapi kemampuan menggambar dan ide yang mengalir tidaklah sebanding. Penulis berhenti, tetapi Parno tetap melanjutkan karyanya...

Foto sesungguhnya dan karya Parno Bong

   

Keadilan Dalam Keluarga

Kita sering mendengar kata keadilan, tapi seberapa jauhkah kita memahami artinya? Tentu saja setiap orang mempunyai definisinya sendiri, namun mari kita lihat makna keadilan secara umum. Kita telaah juga bagaimana kita sebagai manusia berhak untuk merasakan keadilan dan sekaligus mempunyai tugas untuk membawa keadilan dalam hidup kita. Secara umum, keadilan adalah tidak memihak atau tidak berat sebelah. Keadilan adalah suatu sikap yang imbang terhadap satu sama lain. Akan tetapi, bila kita cerna lebih dalam, keadilan berarti berpihak pada yang benar dan berpegang pada kebenaran. Berdasarkan pemahaman tersebut, kita sesungguhnya dituntut untuk berani memperjuangkan situasi dan kondisi yang adil. kita tidak boleh berpangku tangan dan hanya menjadi penikmat keadilan. Justru sebaliknya, kita diundang untuk mampu menghayati pilihan sikap adil ini dalam segala aspek kehidupan kita.

Apakah kita bisa memberikan sesuatu yang kita tidak punya? Misalnya, jika saya tidak punya segelas air dan orang meminta segelas air kepada saya, tentu saja saya tidak bisa memberikan segelas air tersebut, bukan. Sepertinya hal juga dengan keadilan, jikalau kita belum merasakan keadilan, kita tidak bisa juga memberikan keadilan. Jadi, pertama-tama kita harus merasakan keadilan di dalam kehidupan kita.

Untuk merasakan keadilan dalam hidup kita, ehm... hal ini susah-susah gampang. Rasa keadilan itu adalah bersifat pribadi, artinya orang luar mungkin bisa memiliki penilaian yang berbeda, tetapi bisa jadi orang yang bersangkutan merasa bahwa dia sudah menikmati keadilan. Contoh: dari pengalaman saya berbagi cerita dengan seseorang, katakanlah namanya Xander, banyak teman yang menilai bahwa Xander tidak memperoleh keadilan dari istrinya. Banyak alasan yang diungkapkan teman-teman untuk menunjukkan ketidakadilan yang terjadi padanya. Namun, saat saya berbagi cerita, Xander merasakan keadilan dalam kelurganya, baik dari anak maupun dari istrinya.

Contoh di atas membuktikan bahwa keadilan adalah bersifat pribadi. Ini adalah kabar baik bagi kita semua. Dengan demikian keadilan tidak ditentukan oleh orang lain sehingga semua orang bisa mencapainya. Kunci untuk merasakan keadilan dalam hidup kita adalah kemampuan untuk bersyukur terhadap apa yang kita miliki dan mengejar apa yang kita mau dengan cara-cara yang baik. Bersyukur juga berarti kita berhenti membanding-banding diri kita dengan orang lain.

Setelah kita merasakan keadilan, saatnya kita membagikan keadilan kepada yang lain. Lalu pertanyaannya adalah, kepada siapakah kita harus membagikan keadilan itu? Tentu saja keadilan itu dibagikan kepada semua orang, kepada keluarga, komunitas, teman-teman, tetangga, dan masyarakat umum. Lalu bagaimana cara kita membagikan keadilan itu? Akan lebih mudah bagi kita untuk membagikannya bila kita tahu jabatan-jabatan dalam hidup kita, misalnya: di dalam keluarga, jabatan saya adalah sebagai seorang ayah, seorang suami dan sekaligus seorang anak. Di komunitas, jabatan saya adalah sebagai seorang teman dan di masyarakat secara umum, jabatan saya adalah sebagai manusia. Nah, setelah kita tahu jabatan kita, kita akan mempunyai arah untuk mewujudkan keadilan.

Sekarang kita akan berbicara tentang mewujudkan keadilan dalam diri kita. Setelah kita mengetahui jabatan kita, kita akan mencoba membahasnya satu persatu. Banyak cara untuk mengetahui tugas dan kewajiban dalam keluarga, namun di sini saya mencoba memberikan pilihan akan kewajiban dan tugas dalam keluarga. supaya mudah diingat, saya membuat singkatan dari jabatan kita untuk mendeskripsikan kewajiban tersebut. 

Jabatan Dalam Keluarga

MENJADI SEORANG SUAMI (HUSBAND)

HELPFUL = menjadi seseorang penolong untuk istrinya dan selalu siap sedia untuk mendengarkan dengan hati keluh kesah seorang istri. Terkadang sebagai suami, sebelum istri selesai menceritakan sesuatu, kita sebagai suami sudah mencoba memberikan solusi dan akhirnya seringkali kita salah dalam memahami istri. Terkadang istri hanya perlu kita mendengarkan masalah mereka.

UNPREDICTABLE = seorang suami yang baik akan membuat istrinya penasaran dalam rangka memberikan kejutan yang menyenangkan. Seorang istri akan tetap menyayangi suami jika ia selalu penasaran dengan suaminya. Terkadang seorang istri akan bosan terhadap suaminya walaupun suaminya baik karena apa yang mau dilakukan suami sudah tertebak oleh istri.

SACRIFICE = berani berkorban untuk istri.

BOYFRIEND = tetap menjadi pacar yang memperhatikan walaupun sudah jadi suami. Saat jadi pacar, banyak sekali pria yang sangat perhatian kepada kekasihnya namun setelah menikah, perhatiannya berubah dratis. Contoh sederhana yang sering kita dengar, saat masih pacaran, ketika pacar kita hampir jatuh karena tersandung, perhatian kita luar biasa dan kita bertanya ini-itu untuk memastikan kondisi dirinya, namun setelah jadi istri untuk beberapa lama dan sang istri tersandung, suami justru bertanya, "eh, jalan pakai mata," atau, "dimana matamu," dan lain-lain.

ADMIRABLE = menjadi seseorang yang dikagumi oleh istri bukan yang ditakuti.

NAVIGATE = mengarahkan dalam berumah tangga. Diskusi harus terjadi di dalam keluarga namun yang mengambil keputusan adalah suami. Sudah menjadi kodratnya bahwa perempuan itu dipimpin oleh seorang laki-laki.

DELIGHTFUL = selalu memberikan keceriaan dan kebahagiaan.

MENJADI SEORANG AYAH (FATHER)  

FUNNY  = menjadi seorang ayah yang lucu bagi anak-anaknya, jangan sampai anak-anak takut sama papanya sendiri.

ADORABLE  = bisa menjadi ayah yang menarik yang selalu dirindukan oleh anak-anak.

THOUGHTFUL = bisa memberikan solusi, saran, pemikiran dan lain lain untuk anak-anaknya.

HELPFUL  = mampu untuk membantu saat dibutuhkan.

ENCOURAGING = penuh dengan motivasi dan senantiasa memberikan dorongan untuk anak-anak.

RELIABLE = dapat diandalkan.

MENJADI SEORANG IBU (MOTHER)

MATERNAL = bersifat keibuan, membuat anak-anak merasa nyaman saat di sampingnya.

ORGANIZED = bisa mengurus atau mengatur anak-anaknya.

TEACHER = menjadi seorang guru sehingga dasar pendidikan ada di keluarga dan tidak melemparkan tanggung jawab pendidikan ke sekolah atau tempat lain.

HOME = menciptakan rumah. Seperti kata pepatah, man builds house, woman builds home.

ENERGETIC = penuh dengan energi. Walau pekerjaan seorang ibu itu melelahkan, hendaknya selalu memiliki energi untuk anak-anaknya.

RESEARCH = selalu meneliti untuk perkembangan anak.

MENJADI ISTRI (WIFE)

WISE = bijak saat suami di posisi yang tidak baik, misalnya saat kena PHK atau saat ada masalah. Kebijaksanaan seorang istri akan membuat suaminya sukses.

INSPIRING = memberikan inspirasi kepada suami.

FAITHFUL = setia.

EROTIC = tetap menarik seperti saat masih pacaran. Kecenderungan yang sering terjadi adalah, setelah menjadi istri dan punya anak, seorang istri tidak lagi terlalu peduli dengan penampilannya karena kesibukannya sehingga terkadang suami susah membedakan mana antara PRT dan istrinya (bercanda!!! Dari baunya saja tahu, kok, yang mana istri)

MENJADI SEORANG ANAK (CHILDREN)

COMMUNICATIVE = walaupun jabatan kita di keluarga inti sebagai suami, istri, papa atau mama, tetap jabatan sebagai anak melekat, sehingga kita juga berkewajiban untuk memberikan keadilan kepada orang tua kita. Jika kita sudah tidak lagi tinggal bersama orang tua, terkadang kita lupa akan keadilan terhadap orang tua. Apabila kita tidak melakukan komunikasi baik lewat telpon ataupun pulang ke rumah untuk menyapa orang tua, kita sudah berlaku tidak adil terhadap mereka yang sudah membesarkan kita.

HONEST = seorang anak juga harus berlaku jujur kepada orang tuanya, seperti halnya kita juga mau anak kita untuk jujur kepada kita. Pendekatan terhadap anak itu penting supaya anak merasa nyaman untuk mengatakan segala sesuatu dengan jujur.

INNOVATIVE = seorang anak harus selalu berinovasi baik dalam karya maupun cara dalam memberikan perhatian kepada orang tua.

LEARNING = selalu belajar berlaku adil untuk semua orang. Sebagai seorang anak, kita harus berani belajar sesuatu yang baru sehingga saat dewasa tidak akan diam di zona nyaman.

DREAMS = orang yang tidak punya mimpi adalah orang yang mati sebelum waktunya. Anak harus mempunyai mimpi yang tinggi sehingga memacu diri untuk mencapainya.

REPRESENTATIVE = anak adalah wakil dari keluarga sehingga seorang anak harus sadar jika kelakuannya itu akan membawa nama keluarga. Meskipun setiap pribadi bertanggung jawab atas dirinya, namun dalam kenyataan hidup, kelakuan anak akan menjadi penilaian terhadap keluarganya.

EMPOWERMENT = selalu mengembangkan diri untuk menjadi lebih baik lagi.

NATURAL = bersikap alami dan tidak perlu bersifat alay atas nama mengikuti jaman. Dari banyak hal yang harus dicoba oleh anak, ada hal-hal yang sama sekali tidak perlu dicoba. Contoh: walaupun kita tidak pernah tahu rasanya tahi, kita tidak perlu coba untuk mengetahuinya.

Terkadang ada anak yang seakan-akan menjadi orang yang sangat adil terhadap orang lain di luar keluarganya, peduli dan tidak perhitungan sama teman-teman dan juga terhadap orang yang tidak dikenalnya, namun tidak berlaku adil di dalam keluarga, sangat perhitungan dengan orang tuanya sendiri. Contoh: ketika mamanya minta uang, dia bertanya apakah saudaranya yang lain juga memberikan, padahal sebagai anak dan setelah menikah, dia sendiri tidak pernah memberikan apa-apa untuk mamanya walaupun dia bisa dikatakan berlebih dari segi harta. Lebih buruk lagi, bahkan ada anak yang menyalahkan orang tuanya yang tidak bisa memberikan harta warisan. Anak seperti ini lupa diri karena membandingkan orang tuanya dengan orang tua yang lain yang bisa memberikan harta warisan, namun tidak pernah membandingkan orang tuanya dengan orang tua yang membuang anaknya. Ini adalah contoh anak yang memakai topeng supaya dianggap baik.

Tidak dipungkiri bahwa ini juga ada penyebabnya, bisa jadi lupa akan tugas dan kewajiban ataupun karena merasa diperlakukan tidak adil di dalam keluarga sehingga susah untuk memberikan keadilan juga di dalam keluarga. Seperti yang saya tulis di atas, keadilan itu personal sehingga kita selalu bisa merasakan keadilan dalam keluarga. Bersyukurlah terhadap apa yang terjadi sampai saat ini sehingga keadaan kita sudah lebih baik. Semuanya yang terjadi dalam keluarga pasti ada sisi baiknya,

Kita tahu bahwa tidak ada manusia yang sempurna, begitu juga halnya dengan keluarga. Kita mengeluh satu sama lain, tentang kekecewaan dan sebagainya, tapi pengampunan dan ikhlas akan membuat keluarga lebih baik. Tanpa pengampunan, keluarga akan menjadi sakit. Pengampunan itu penting karena bukan hanya untuk memaafkan keluarga kita, namun juga untuk ketenangan hidup diri kita. Bisa dibayangkan jika kita menyimpan kekecewaan terhadap istri dan setiap hari setelah kerja kita harus pulang dan ketemu istri, bukankah itu adalah neraka dalam dunia? maka dari itu, berikanlah pengampunan dalam keluarga untuk kebaikan semua. Pengampunan juga bisa memutuskan rantai kebencian.

Penulis sebagai seorang ayah, suami dan anak...